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Junior year... how lovely.

I cannot believe it. I can't. Junior in college already? That fact alone is enough to send me into an emotional down-spiral. As often as possible I try to repress that thought and to ignore the fact that my life as a college student is more than half way over. That brings me into a whole other dilemma about studying abroad.

I should go. I love traveling. I love adventure. I love 'pretty' and extraordinary sites. I want to see the world. I love taking pictures and collecting things from all of the places i've been. Everyone I talk to says it was the best experience of their lives and that I should go. And I know I should too... but there is some undefined thing inside me that is telling me other wise. Some ungraspable feeling that is stopping me from seriously considering it and taking action.

It obviously has something to do with missing an entire semester of college... that is no question. But the fact that i cannot call any semester INCREDIBLE except for Freshman year, leads me to thinking that I really won't be missing out. Sure I love my friends here, I love the campus and everything that comes with it... but more times than not I find myself anxious and trying to reach out for something more-- that I rarely get. Even something as simple as wanting to go on a walk and not being able to find anyone who wants to join me. It's like I'm trying to escape sometimes and to explore what we so blindly live with, and I have no opportunity to do so here. At one point I told myself if I was not in a relationship by this time this semester, I would go abroad for sure. Well, that is not looking too good right now.

I guess I can discuss that for a little...
Over the summer things were really good. Sure he was still his asshole self sometimes, but something was different. He was making kind, selfless gestures often. Would text me first, and even go out of his way to meet up with me. We even went to the movies together one time, even though it was completely awkward. At a party one time, the first thing he said to any of my friends was a question asking where I was. That's all he cared about, which for once and finally, was all I wanted. There's something about him, maybe simple idea that other people aren't fans of him, and I always fall for the outcasts? Whatever it is, I care about him, and I have a lot of sympathy for him. At that same party, where I thought the night was going to end with us together, things went downhill. My friend who is not so fond of him decided it would be a good idea to pour a drink on him. I wasn't there for it, and I'm not sure how it actually happened-- but that wasn't okay. My friend was the one who told me, and instead of being mad at her for the act, I was only upset that it had happened to him. While my friend was telling me the story, he walked by (clearly not going to approach me with her there), and that was the last I saw him that night. We saw each other a few days later, in passing, and then a few days later at another party. He was extremely intoxicated, and being inappropriate towards me. That was the last time we spoke... which was about 2 or so weeks ago. Last Friday I saw him at another party, but he didn't see me. It was the first time I had seen him since the last event and to be honest I had enough distractions to have actually stopped thinking about him (for the most part) for the first time since Freshman year. But when I saw him, I couldn't help but want him. He was wearing a shirt I hadn't recognized, and just looked so mature, so clean and well put together. I wish he had seen me, or wish I had an opportunity to talk to him. But those did not happen. My great plans of always deleting his number I guess finally worked-- except for now I want to talk to him. But at what point does time reach that awkward gap? It's been too long for me to casually start a conversation, but too close in time to give the whole it's been a while thing. ugh.

Then there was this other guy. I had never really been friends with him before... I knew who he was and we were acquaintances, but never anything more. Then the beginning of this semester, we started to get closer. Hung out a lot casually after parties with groups of people. He started texting me, calling me to hang out, etc. Such a nice kid. So many things pointed to him liking me, but recently, I got the strictly friends signs. Sucks because I was actually starting to like him. Situations like this just mess with my head so much. I know it's my fault though. I'm beginning to think that I'm so convinced that everyone usually sucks (which again, I think they do), that they're mean and have bad intensions, that whenever I find someone who is remotely nice to me, I assume that they might have some interest in me. Quite the let down.

bleh. Australia looks better everyday. bye.